Simple Thoughts Derived From A Complicated Mind

Selamat datang di dunia nyata, dimana nasib sial tidak pernah peduli dengan kondisi hati Anda. Begitu pula sebaliknya.

2 Januari 2007.

Apes kehilangan ponsel yang belum lunas cicilannya. One great way to start a new year. Dialed a number. Blablablu.

Berharap seseorang di ujung sana bisa sedikit menenangkan hati saya.

Tet tet tet tet tot tot tot tot tit tit tit

[Halo?]

Suara yang mengangkat di sana konsentrasinya sedang terpecah.

[Lagi telpon ya?]

[...iya]

[Ya udah nanti ditelpon lagi...]

Klik.

Buka Friendster. Berharap ada hiburan berupa testimonial tolol dari orang-orang yang ada di daftar temen saya.

Recent Updates :

Blablablu – updated her profile, added new friend(s), last updated 1/2/2007

Oh. Ternyata dia baru update profil.

Klik : Blablablu

Loading Page :

Blablablu. Female, 22, In A Relationship.

Close Page.

Hmm…

…

Tet tet tet tet tot tot tot tot tit tit tit

[Hepi Nu Yiiiiiiiiiiirrr!!!]

[Lho kok lagi?

Kan

waktu itu jam 12 udah…]

[Oh udah ya?]

[Ye gimana sih? Kan aku telpon]

[Tapi gapapa dong kalo lagi?]

…

[Cieee...jadi udah pacaran niiiih?]

[Maksudnya?]

[Ini ’in a relationship’]

Reflek, jari telunjuk dan jari tengah tangan kanan mendadak akrab; saling berangkulan satu sama lain.

[Oh...udah baca ya?]

JEGER!

…

[Iya]

Pelan-pelan jari telunjuk dan tengah musuhan lagi; kembali ke kodratnya di posisi masing-masing

[Cieee..jadi siapa?]

’Cie’ paling dipaksakan yang pernah keluar dari mulut.

[Ya itu]

[Siapa? Julian?]

[...iya]

…

[Oh... Kapan?]

[Pas jam 12 tahun baru]

[Oh...]

…

[Selamat yaaa]

…

[Maafin aku ya Kak]

[Kenapa juga mesti minta maaf? Nggak apa-apa kaleee...]

Dosa pertama di 2007.

…

Percakapan selanjutnya tidak menjadi penting.

Sudah tidak bisa konsentrasi, tepatnya. Karena saat itu Badai Isobel lagi mampir ke bilik kantor saya. Yang saya ingat, saya menutup pembicaraan dengan ’sampai ketemu lagi’, bukan ’daah’ seperti biasanya.

Tangan yang tadi memegang telepon sekarang memutar-mutar kontrol iPod.

Music,

Artist,

Samsons,

Bukan Diriku.

Play

Setelah kupahami, ku bukan yang terbaik yang ada di hatimu

Tak dapat kusangsikan, ternyata dirinya lah yang mengerti kamu

Bukanlah diriku

Kini maafkanlah aku, bila ku menjadi bisu kepada dirimu

Bukan santunku terbungkam, hanya hatiku berbatas, tuk mengerti kamu

Maafkanlah aku

Walau ku masih mencintaimu, ku harus meninggalkanmu, ku harus melupakanmu

Meski hatiku menyayangimu, nurani membutuhkanmu

Ku harus merelakanmu

Dan hanyalah dirimu yang mampu memahamiku, yang dapat mengerti aku

Ternyata dirinya lah, yang sanggup menyanjungmu, yang lama menyentuhmu

Bukanlah diriku

[Current Mood : Labil, nggak bisa ditinggal sendirian, seperti layaknya perempuan yang nggak berhenti-berhenti menstruasi...]

[Current Track Played : Have You Ever - Brandy]

Have you ever been in love, been in love so bad, you’d do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away, you’d give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever found the one you’ve dreamed of all of your life, you’d do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to, only to find that one won’t give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there, and all you can do is wait for the day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby, what do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me, gotta get you in my world ‘coz baby I can’t sleep

What does it take to get over someone?

Ada yang bilang, salah satu cara buat ngelupain orang yang pernah merusak hati kita dengan kenangan-kenangan indah adalah dengan membencinya.  Just list things he/she did that disappointed you.  Semakin panjang daftarnya, semakin besar emosi yang terlibat, semakin cepet juga lupanya. 

Let’s do the list then.

Waktu dia ganti provider ponsel setelah saya dulu belain-belain aktifin nomer baru dari provider yang sama dengan nomer lama dia, yes, I was kinda disappointed; Waktu dia cerita kalo pacarnya akan dateng ngunjungin dia, yes, I was disappointed; Waktu dia mendadak batalin dateng ke Jakarta karena dilarang pacarnya yang mendadak dateng ngunjungin dia, yes, I was really disappointed; Waktu dia tiba-tiba ngabarin dia lagi di Jakarta tapi kenyataannya cuman buat ketemu sama orang baru yang disukainnya, yes, I was extremely disappointed.

And many more. 

Yes, there were disappointments.  Many times.  Mungkin karena saya bukan pemain sinetron, atau nggak seganteng Irgi Fahrezi. Well. Mungkin juga dia nggak bermaksud begitu.  Atau emang nggak peduli?  Maybe. Yang jelas, setiap ada permintaan maaf yang masuk, tololnya, saya pasti luluh lagi. 

Date : 10 Aug 2006, 17:55. From : 0811xxxxxx

"Maaf kalo udah bikin kamu sakit ati.bnran ga ada maksud nyakitin sapapun,sy mohon maaf bgt,atas kondisi ini,i can’t do anything ko,sorry bgt!"

Nggak tau saya yang emang pemaaf atau kelewat murahan, yang jelas biasanya semua berakhir baik lagi..at least saya pikir baik.  Mungkin karena saya nggak mau membuang 6 bulan yang udah lewat ini begitu aja.  Tapi keliatannya dia bisa. Nggak ada SMS lagi yang masuk dengan kata-kata seperti itu, nggak ada telepon, nggak ada kabar. 

[Current track played : Cinta Sendiri - Kahitna; lagu yang dulu dia tahu saya pakai buat nyindir dia...]

Kau ungkapkan kepadaku, kan ada saatnya nanti engkau milikku satu
Ku menunggu dalam bimbang, adakah sungguhnya aku kasih yang kau inginkan

Biar aku yang pergi, bila tak juga pasti
Adakah selama ini aku cinta sendiri?
Biar aku menepi, bukan lelah menanti
Namun apalah artinya cinta pada bayangan
Pedih aku rasakan, kenyataannya cinta tak harus slalu miliki

Ku menunggu dalam bimbang, adakah sungguhnya aku kasih yang kau inginkan

Biar aku yang pergi, bila tak juga pasti
Adakah selama ini aku cinta sendiri?
Biar aku menepi, bukan lelah menanti
Namun apalah artinya cinta pada bayangan
Pedih aku rasakan, kenyataannya cinta tak harus slalu miliki

Jujur aku tak yakin bisa, jalani hari tanpa dirimu

Namun apalah artinya cinta pada bayangan

Biar aku yang pergi, bila tak juga pasti
Adakah selama ini aku cinta sendiri?
Biar aku menepi, bukan lelah menanti
Namun apalah artinya cinta pada bayangan
Pedih aku rasakan, kenyataannya cinta tak harus slalu miliki

Yes, maybe it really takes HATE to forget those who you love.  I just need someone to teach me how.. [mengambil CD Kahitna dari player, membuangnya ke tempat sampah]

It’s been a while since my last post here. 

Nggak tau kenapa setiap melewati momen-momen menyebalkan di hidup, pasti larinya nulis di sini, bukan di blog umum yang biasanya.  Mungkin itu sebabnya akhirnya blog yang di sini kesannya gelap dan depresif, soalnya isinya keluhan semua.  Hell.  Get ready for more, papa’s coming!

Well this time, the mood is not better than any other previous posts.  Mungkin yang sekarang lebih ‘gelap’, mengingat waktu dan tenaga yang dihabiskan lebih dari 6 bulan, and it all ends up with a big zero. I waited. I surely did.  Dan selama itu pula saya menutup telinga saya dari nasehat teman-teman terdekat saya.  Mau dibilang bego sama orang-orang, mau dibilang tolol buang waktu buat hal yang nggak jelas, terserah. I have faith on this one.  Well, I guess I thought I did.  But I was wrong. Eventually I get nothing.  Yang ada cuman capek.  Exhausted, body and soul.

Biasanya kalau udah begini, setiap denger lagu tertentu saya melewati sindrom yang lazim terjadi di orang lain : "Ih lagu ini gue banget!!!" Agak amit-amit sih sebenernya, but it happens.  So, no further explanation, enjoy the current playlist on my iPod.

Bagaimana mestinya, membuatmu jatuh hati kepadaku
T’lah kutuliskan sejuta puisi, meyakinkanmu membalas cintaku

Haruskah ku mati karenamu, terkubur dalam kesedihan sepanjang waktu
Haruskah kurelakan hidupku, hanya demi cinta yg mungkin bisa membunuhku Hentikan denyut nadi jantungku, tanpa kau tau betapa suci hatiku, untuk memilikimu

Adakah keikhlasan, dalam palung jiwamu mengetukku
Ajarkanmu bahasa perasaan, hingga hatimu tak lagi membeku 

Haruskah ku mati karenamu, terkubur dalam kesedihan sepanjang waktu
Haruskah kurelakan hidupku, hanya demi cinta yg mungkin bisa membunuhku Hentikan denyut nadi jantungku, tanpa kau tau betapa suci hatiku, untuk memilikimu

Tiadakah ruang di hatimu untukku, yang mungkin bisa ‘tuk kusinggahi
Hanya sekedar penyejuk disaat ku layu
Ku t’lah menantimu hingga akhir masa

[Ada Band - Haruskah Ku Mati]

Sing it for me.

[Current Mood: Crashed Into Pieces]

Another unreplied text.

Now I start thinking that a good friend is someone who replies your text. Thanks to you.

God, I am freakin’ tired. I’m all f**ked up. My patience has been pushed to the limit, and I think I have it enough. The ball has been long enough in my court, and I’m about to kick it right now. With pride.

Give me another shit, just one more shit. And I swear, I will see you at the bitter end. Hell yeah, I will erupt. Try me.

Am I mad?

… Nope. I just broke into pieces.

I’m way too mad to be sad. Or maybe, I’m way too sad to be mad.

[taking a deep deep breath]

Sigh…

[Current Track Played : Justin Timberlake, Never Again ]

Would have given up my life for you, Guess it’s true what they say about love, it’s blind… Girl, you lied straight to my face lookin’ in my eyes. And I believed you ‘cause I loved you more than life… And all you had to do was apologize…

Sadness has me at the end of the line, Helpless watched you break this heart of mine… And loneliness only wants you back here with me. Common sense knows you’re not good enough for me. And all you had to do was apologize and mean it

But you didn’t say you’re sorry…I don’t understand. You don’t care that you hurt me; And now I’m half a man that I used to be when it was you and me You didn’t love me enough… My heart may never mend, and you’ll never get to love me

It’s like hell, I can’t go back in time. Maybe then I could see how. Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try; But it’s too late, it’s over now…

[Current Mood : Stuck In Reverse]

I used to think that love is sincere. Well, I used to do it sincerely. But I guess I was wrong. It turns out that I need something in return.

When I talked, I needed to be listened as well;

When I routinly checked someone, I wanted to be updated as well;

When I texted ‘how are you?’, I wanted to be replied with the same question;

When I put someone in my top list priorities, I wanted to be in the top list as well;

When I spare my free times, I wanted to be in your free times as well;

When I give my my best shot, I wanted to be given the best shot as well;

Those crap like that.

There will always be something that love can give in return. Unfortunately, some people just way too selfish to understand that.

[Current Track Played : Coldplay, Fix You ]

When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste,
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below. When you’re too in love to let it go.
But if you never try you’ll never know, just what you’re worth
Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face, when you lose something you cannot replace.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Tears stream down on your face. I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face, and I…
Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you

[Current Mood : Half-Empty, not Half-Full]

One thing that would be difficult for Piscean to deal with is moving on.  Trust me, they would love to.  Unfortunately, Piscean just love reminiscing, more than any other signs. In the end, we just find it hard to say goodbye to the best things in our life.

Well, at least I do.

I was about to erase one name from my memory.  It turned out to be a wrong decision when I realized that we shared the same friends, past and present. So, the more I tried to forget that SoaB (Son of A B***h -red), the more the name was brought to me.

That name showed up while I was hanging out and having a really good time with a long-time-no-see friend on a Saturday nite, and turned the rest of the night into a nightmare.

That name was written in the last posting of my friend’s blog, which I actually haven’t seen for a long looooong time. It was right there, right in front of my eyes, just when I decided to check the blog out again.

That SoaB picture shows up on my Friendster account every single time there’s an update on that SoaB’s account. It always ends up with me, tracking that SoaB’s account, wondering what’s new in that SoaB’s life.

Hmmmph…

I guess that SoaB knew how to make me feel miserable, by leaving a very-very deep footprints in my previous life. I guess, living is easy with your eyes and ears closed.

[Current Track Played: Lighthouse Family, Postcard From Heaven ]

If you never say goodbye to the best thing in your life, there are things you don’t appreciate at all.  So it’s best that you don’t try holding back the time. Are you ever gonna be quite satisfied.

Yea rrrrritee… New blog? Perhaps. Don’t ask me why, it just feels right.

Well, the old one still exists. God knows what differences will this new one makes. Maybe this one will represent any current mood I have. Again, it just feels right.

So, suit yourself, enjoy the ride.